Pushing Past My Past

Have you ever had someone say something to someone else and you overhear it and it sounds like it is describing you and it makes you feel embarrassed (even if that person is not talking about you)? Or worse, that person realises you are right in the corner and that "oops I shouldn't have said that" look crosses that person's face because that person realises that you are like that.

I have a friend who blurted out a few of these comments (and it's not that person's fault because everyone has preferences) and the result was that I've been keeping the words in my head for a while. Each time I think of it I feel... a little hurt, a little defensive, a little annoyed, a little discouraged. It feels like a personal attack when it's not.

Just two nights ago, I dreamt of some people in college that I have not kept touch with in a while. And the same feelings came: a little hurt, a little defensive, a little annoyed, a little discouraged. I found out that I got blocked on Whatsapp. Perhaps it was a mistake, but all the same, it feels like a personal attack when it's not.

And last night before I slept, I asked God to help me get rid of these feelings, and I felt God tell me, "forget about the past, you have so much more ahead of you". And I thought about it, and realised that I have another 70 years to go in life (assuming that I live till I'm 90+). Do I want to get stuck in my past of 10 years, or move ahead to better and happier things in my future 70 years? I fell asleep feeling like a burden was lifted and that I should not be thinking of what others think of me, but what God thinks of me.

God created me to be passionate about some things, and less passionate about others. I have talents in some areas, and absolutely flop in others (e.g. making friends).

So, my point is that each one of us is a masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). When I see Oreo do a face-dive in her cushion and her hair gets all messy and disarrayed, I laugh and love her. Not because she's a good dog (she's more like a naughty defiant one), but because of what makes her Oreo, and because she is mine. In the same way, God does not love us because we are good, but because we are His. Doesn't matter if I prefer a certain item over another (even if my friend doesn't like it), doesn't matter if I get blocked on Whatsapp (I have other friends). I cannot and will not let these fears and insecurities stop me from being me.

I feel like I'm "preaching" to teenagers (all of this about self-esteem and self-worth) but fears and insecurities don't only haunt teenagers (perhaps, augmented and exaggerated when you are a teen). They are real. They can harm your thoughts, they can nag at you till you lose your mind, they can make you lose confidence in yourself, in God, in your friends. Eventually, you get so depressed you don't even want to move on in life. I've been there, and if you are somewhere stuck there too, I want to encourage you to believe that your future is better than your past. Also, I discovered the joy of reading my bible again - I started here in the book of Psalm. You can too. :)