Of hope and a happier heart

It's been a while since I posted matters of my heart because my heart has gotten very quiet over the past few years. My heart fell silent and unoccupied when I started working after coming home from studies overseas. While everything was okay on the outside thanks to routine, on the inside, my heart was getting very dusty. I wasn't taking care of it. I wasn't doing the things I loved. Even while doing the things I enjoyed, I didn't feel excited nor joyful about it.

And today, while catching up with a friend, we talked things through and cleared up the cobwebs in my heart. I don't think I've had a conversation as good as this for years. It lifted the burden off my heart and the expectations that were weighing it down. I felt encouraged, inspired, and heard. Most people wouldn't know this, but anxiety, worry, and my fear of meeting strangers have affected me to the point where I didn't even want to leave my house or handle any problems.

And even as I went through the routine of going to work, going to church, and taking care of my pets, I couldn't feel happy like how I used to be happy. Things that used to amaze me no longer made me feel anything. Things that I used to love no longer made me laugh.

Until a few days ago.

I caught a glimpse of a kind of quiet love that was lovely to behold and honour. The sort of love that protects, respects, and gives. The sort of love I used to believe in. The sort of love that used to make my heart spill over with joy. One where every moment counted and was not lost through the passing days. One where I used to believe but faded over the past years where I slowly dropped idealistic expectations one after another.

I felt sad at the same time, that I had let go of faith in God and His promise that what He had for me was beyond what I could dream of and so much more. How and why did I end up with expecting and looking forward to so much less?

I have not been guarding my heart. I have left the windows open but not let God in.

But despite all of that, in the midst of all this, there's a tiny little flicker of hope. Hope in the good things to come. Hope in the One who loves me more than any other. Hope in my Father's love.

And with hope, peace at last. :)